Even the bartender felt bad for me
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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