cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
