I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
