Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
