I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
