You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
