im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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