Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
