this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
