I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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