I think i peed on brittanys purse
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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