Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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