You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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