Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
