I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
