First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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