Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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