Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
