A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
