saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
