This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
