I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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