Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
