we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
