once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Randomize
