just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
