every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
