Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i've created a new STD.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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