I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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