It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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