I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
