somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
