Cold hands, warm shart.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
