Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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