Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
