I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
