My room smells like vodka and shame
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
