hotel room ftw
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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