when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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