I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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