the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
