god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
