I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
