I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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