he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just pee around me
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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