grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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