Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
