so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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