had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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