I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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