And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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