If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
