If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
