the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
