I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
