I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Who died my cat blue again?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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