you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
