I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
