I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
