Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
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