i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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