She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize